Late Night Reading

When my sister was in college, she and her two best friends were rooming together. They also had a fourth roommate. Her name was Shauna. Actually, her name was Shauna Niequist. They read one of her books, Bittersweet, aloud on a road trip and they would frequently quote her to each other and sometimes the final word in a discussion would be, "Well, Shauna says ..."

Me, I never understood the hype. I have always enjoyed fiction more than non-fiction, and a book of essays didn't seem particularly appealing. Did I mention Bittersweet is about miscarriage, which seemed an odd topic for three young girls to seize upon? I just didn't get it, and allowed my sister to chatter on about Shauna without feeling the need to really understand. She was happy, I was ignorant, that was fine.

Until.

Last night, spending the night with my parents, I forgot to take my Kindle up to bed. I must read something for at least 60 seconds before going to sleep, so I cast about and came up with Bread and Wine, by Shauna Niequist. It was late, and I expected to read for a minute and then go to sleep.

At 12:45, I texted my sister: "I am reading Bread and Wine. I don't want to stop. Ever."

Shortly after there were dangerous waking-sounds from the buggles, and I was forced to turn off the light, which was probably for the best. 

Shauna Niequist (I don't "know" her as well as my sister, so I should probably not presume to refer to her by her first name.) writes about food the way I hope to one day. As something to be relished, celebrated, even indulged in. Food is worth the effort. The need for food is an honest one, and not something shaming. She talks about the conversations one has over a table of food and how we use food to express congratulations or sympathy for each other.

Reading this book, I realized that I have been thinking of food the wrong way. I have been thinking that I love food too much, that I have made it an idol (that's probably true), that the answer is to love food less.

I don't want to love food less. Food is awesome. Eating it is even better. I love cooking food, eating food, serving food to others. But what I have been doing hasn't been loving food. It has been craving it. Stuffing more and more of it down, down, down. Because if one brownie is good, four are the best. If the potato salad is good, it should be good enough to eat two cups of it at a sitting. If your husband has spoken sharply to you, serving him chocolate cake will make him love you again. If he doesn't eat it, then you should eat all of it, the whole thing, and you won't be sad for as long as you are scooping, chewing, swallowing. You should never consider what else you've eaten that day - this moment is the most important, and this moment you really need a 5th ice cream sandwich to go on living.

None of this is true. 

I am going to say that again, because in this moment I believe it and I am afraid that it will slip away by tomorrow.

None of this is true. 

None of this is true. 

NONE OF THIS IS TRUE.